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so i'm frustrated. i know what i want, i just don't know the best way to go about it. Jake has always had it in his mind that he would move out here and i've always had it in my mind that i would move out there. the decision has now been made that i will move there, but the questions still remain of how and when. i want to do it. i wanted to do it yesterday, last month, last year. looking at all the factors, it would litterally be starting my whole life over again. now job, probebly no car (because insurance costs are way too high there), just a place to live and people who love me. it means leaving everything i know out here to take a chance in a new place. this is very very scary. but it's what i want in the end. i want to be with Jake. I love him immensly. but i'm scared. scared of living somewhere else, scared that when i get out there i won't be able to find a job, scared that my cats wont get along with the other cats in the house (and the dog). i feel quite discouraged by the whole thing. i know deep down that everything will work out. all will be fine, but i worry about this. i know my friends will still be my friends no matter where i am, and that i have the potential to make new friends. yes i would miss them. but i know they love me and just want me to be happy.
i. If you're on my friends list, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet or long and detailed, all is good.
ii. Comment here with your answers and repost the questionnaire on your own journal.

i. Are you currently in a serious relationship?
ii. What was your dream growing up?
iii. What talent do you wish you had?
iv. If I bought you a drink, what would it be?
v. Favorite vegetable?
vi. What was the last book you read?
vii. What zodiac sign are you?
viii. Any tattoos and/or piercings? Explain where.
ix. Worst habit?
x. If you saw me walking down the street, would you offer me a ride?
xi. What is your favorite sport?
xii. Do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude?
xiii. What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
xiv. Worst thing to ever happen to you?
xv. Tell me one weird fact about you.
xvi. Do you have any pets?
xvii. What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
xviii. What was your first impression of me?
xix. Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
xx. If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
xxi. Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
xxii. What color eyes do you have?
xxiii. Ever been arrested?
xxiv. Bottle or can soda?
xxv. If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
xxvi. What's your favorite place to hang out at?
xxvii. Do you believe in ghosts?
xxviii. Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
xxix. Do you swear a lot?
xxx. Biggest pet peeve?
xxxi. In one word, how would you describe yourself?
xxxii. Do you believe/appreciate romance?
xxxiii. Favorite and least favorite food?
xxxiv. Do you believe in God?
xxxv. Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you
xxxvi. Favourite band/s of ALL time?
Donna Noble
Donna Noble
Take Which Doctor Who companion are you? (girls) today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p>
You're Donna Noble!
it's been just over 2 months since that first email expressing your feelings. i have been blissfully happy since. i love youso much Jake. you ar my knight in shining tin-foil!
i WAS scared a few days ago. i had all these emotions and feelings and i didn't know quite how to deal with them. but i know now. this was meant to be. you and me babe! i love you so much Jake! i always have loved you, just never thought i would be able to express it, or act on it for that matter. i'm counting the days until i can come to see you.
Love. that is a scary word. so many connotations. so simple, yet so complex. i want to say it. i need to say it. but it scares me to say it, and have it said to me.

i got hurt pretty bad when Julie left.

love seems like a foreign word now. you say it and i want to feel it, and to some extent i do. but i also am scared. i don't want things to end up bad.
my wife may leave me, and it's all your fault. you knew she was a vulnerable! you knew that she needed a friend to watch over her. you knew that AND YOU MANIPULATED HER!!!!! you are not a true friend in ANY sense of the word. you are a horrible person! i KNOW this is not the first time you have done this. i know we are not the first couple you have done this too. you tried to do it with at least a few others, but they were too strong to let you. or smart enough to know better then let you in. it's not just a rumor or whatever. i have heard it from the horse's mouth! YOU ARE A TOXIC PERSON and i want you out of my life and out of my wife's life. you have turned our whole world inside out. wherever you go you leave a trail of destruction. I'm surprised your husband hasn't left you yet. but i guess he just hasn't caught on yet has he. i bet he has no idea what you do. i doubt you even have a husband. I've never seen him, never met him, not even a fucking picture.

i just don't know how to handle this. i'm completely broken inside and i don't know how to fix it. on top of this i was recently told someone i trusted has been calling me vicious names behind my back with thier other half. they say i'm too whiney lately. if they even knew the half of it......
i have noticed recently that people are understanding me less then i thought. why i do the things i do, and since this blog is meant to be there to pour my heart out, that is what i shall do.

this is why i shut down.

in large groups i often get lost in the conversation. sometimes it's because i don't understand the topic, so i just clam up to avoid sounding stupid. sometimes it's too many conversations going on that i can't focus on just one, so i choose to focus on none. but more often then not, it's because i can't hear the conversation well enough to follow along, and when i can follow, and finally have something good to say, the conversation goes too quick for me to even get a word in.

but lets go back to the hearing thing.

in case people have forgotten, or just didn't know, i am hearing impaired. not just a little, I'm talking borderline deaf here. and it was NOT from listening to my music too loud. and it was NOT from doing things that would cause harm to my ears. it IS because of genetics. i unfortunately am the youngest person in my family to suffer from this affliction. i had a hearing aide at 16. as i am barely making enough money to pay my bills, i can not afford new hearing aides so that i can hear the conversations around me. i fear every day that it will be all gone one day, it's not getting better, it's only getting worse. so what i ask instead, is kindness, compassion, understanding, and some attempt on your part to understand what is going on.

yes i retreat to my technology. it's comfortable, unlike the conversations around me. instead of attempting to get me out of the technology by simply taking it away. why don't you try asking me what's going on. ask if i am hearing ok, or following along well enough, or if it's a topic that bothers me in some way. taking my phone or ipod or computer out of my hands is not the answer. you may think it's funny, but it's not, and it hurts me, because it takes away the security blanket. and you can not honestly say that you have never needed a security blanket of your own.

understand, don't just judge.
so when i was a young girl i had an obsession with the American Girl series Molly. Molly was my favorite character. i think it was for many reason, not the least of which is she looks like me. i also very much liked her story because it happened on the home front during WWII. the one thing i never got, but ALWAYS wanted, was the 18" Molly Doll. it seemed like everyone and their sister had one. my cousins, the little girl down the street, etc. i never got her. i asked for her almost every Christmas. i would have kept asking, but i eventually got too old for one, or at least....according to society i was too old. the bad thing is, i still pine for her. but a 26 year old playing with a doll is a little ridiculous, unless of course, that doll belongs to a child, whom they are also playing with. this however does not stop me from wanting her, and going on the American girl website pretty often. i think i would crap myself if i went to American girl place. the fact that i know it's called American Girl place and not something else is pretty bad in itself. but on the other hand, whose to say it would look silly or be inappropriate. pursue your passion. but...she is 114 dollars and i have more important things to spend my money on......maybe I'll ask for her next Christmas.....
ok so i am using initials and alternate terms snce i don't feel ke using real names. i just woke up and feel the need to write down this dreams because it was SO VIVID!

so it starts some how with the boys being up here for some reason. i suggest us hanging out with my sisters and going out having a good time and then them crashing at my place. but for some reason it wasn't my place, it was my parents house (aka, the house i grew up in). whatever. so they say sure, and i ask both my sisters if they want to do something and they both give me lame excuses as to why not. so it ends up just being myself, the boys, and some other random dude who i can't remember who it was. there was no scene where we went out, it just cut to me sleeping and dreaming(hence the title of the post). in this dream i see a bunch of different scenes playing out. the most prevalent was one where G gets really hurt (he gets crushed by a Bass Drum...i dunno) and i am right there when it happens, i scream for J to come and he does and G dies right there in J's arms. J then gets so mad at me that he never speaks to me again. end dream. i wake up and descend the stairs and the the boys and other are there just waking up. so i tell the boys the dream omitting the part where G dies, because i don't want to freak them out. so we are getting them ready to leave back to where they came from and as we are loading the car, G trips over my cat Sarah (though not sure why sarah was there) and hurts his foot really bad. i happen to be right there so i catch him, and G is bigger then me so there is NO WAY i'll be able to help him up. so i call for J and he comes running and it plays out similar to the dream. except he is fine with it because accidents happen.....that is until he finds the secret panel in the wall (as my mom is tending to G's wounds) within the secret panel was like an alternate universe type thing. and my mom chimes in "oh, that's my sister's secret space" turns out what was in the alternate universe was making all bad dreams come true. and then i woke up thinking, WTF?!